pretty sure I’m in hell right now. A few days ago, I was like “oh, I think i’ll take a few months of my writing up time (aka, in British speak, the year (or two) after your “normal” registration in a PhD or MPhil program. Basically it’s a time to get your writing done of your actual thesis document.). Now today, I’m like NO I WILL FINISH AND NOT TAKE ANY WRITING UP TIME BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I”M IN HELL.

Doing a PhD..well it takes over everything. Absolutely everything. It’s different than a professional program (maybe?) like med school and law school, where you actually have firm cut off points to things (classes end, clerkships end). Research can go on for a while. You will spend ages on your own, in a dark vortex of uncertainty, only to emerge eventually and do a thesis defense. I’ve been lucky in that I’ve been surrounded by fellow PhD students most of the year. But alas, this doesn’t make the process any easier, really. You are still alone in your research. Unlike in medical school, where you do the same classes as people, and thus you must feel like you’re “all in this together”. Or maybe I’m wrong. NONETHELESS, you don’t really ever feel like this in a PhD. Sometimes, there is a rare moment of “yay! camaraderie!” but usually, you’re alone. 

So yeah. Advice? Finish your thesis as soon as you can. Yeah, easier said than done, but it’s the only thought that’s keeping me from jumping off the school’s (extremely) high clocktower. Har har. I kid!

After a near nervous breakdown last night (yeah..I know…I know) over absolutely nothing, I have officially started writing my dissertation. 

I have the LaTeX file started and everything. Mind you, I’m still doing research, but alas, I had a huge almost panic attack last night about it all, and I just had to start something.

I was at the grad pub with some of my fellow grad prisoners, and we all ended up talking about how much we wanted to freaking finish.

This was totally me sitting there:

(It should be noted that I also really love pandas. Yep.)

And then I went home, and thought about my dissertation, and did this:

And proceeded to do this:

And then passed out.

Today I’m totally getting shit done though. YES I AM!

Hope you all have productive days! :-)

OH HAI GUYS.

Omg you guys.

I have a conference presentation tomorrow in London and I DO NOT FEEL PREPARED AT ALL.

*rant rant rant*

yeah, panic attacks are coming.

My supervisor, who is super awesome actually, keeps talking about the future and me finishing and I just want to start crying. What is wrong with me? I dreamed of the day of being done grad school, and now, in my last year, I just want to stop time. stop time and keep doing what? Keep being a PhD student? Honestly, that isn’t right at all.

Perhaps we all get stuck in what we feel is familiar and safe. Is grad school really safe? I’m not really sure. Probably not. It gives you a very wide eyed look at what is about to happen to you. Uncertainty. Will I get the post doc? Will I become a prof? Am I going to die from all the debt? Am I going to just collapse (slightly over dramatic but yeah.)

I feel really upset all the time, and I’m trying to shake it off.

Oh well. Y’all know what I’m talking about  probably.

Here’s a song: 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eua7sX7a1Cg

and here’s a quote 

“In periods of rapid personal change, we pass through life as though we are spellcast. We speak in sentences that end before finishing. We sleep heavily because we need to ask so many questions as we dream alone. We bump into others and feel bashful at recognising souls so similar to ourselves.”—

Douglas Coupland

Hope you’re all doing great. I would love to reply to your notes but I don’t actually know how to do that on tumblr! 

Be well,

the futureeeeeeee

I’ve seemed to calm down quite a bit. I might be just hyping up this “OMG I NEED TO BE DONE MY DISSERTATION IN 8 MONTHS” up a bit too much.

I didn’t get the job I interviewed for a few weeks ago, which is kind of shitty, but also probably a good thing. They wanted someone who was a bit closer to finishing their PhD (understandably), but honestly, I got that chilling sense of “oh no, what if this is the LAST interview for this kind of academic gig i’ll EVER get”. The hope of having a nice cushy academic job waiting for me at the end of the tunnel was really nice people. REALLY NICE. Oh well. Honestly though, I don’t think this job would have been a fit, no research time, all teaching. *sigh*

Anyway the supervisor and I are talking about applying for post doc funding, so WE’LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS. Fingers crossed. Could be sticking around these parts for awhile longer, which would actually be kind of awesome, since I like the research alot, and the place is kind of growing on me ;)

Otherwise, everyone needs to just calm the f*** down when it comes to asking me when i’m going to submit. It’s causing great sense of impending doom. like being chased by an orc in LOTR. My mom keeps asking me. She should know better. She’s a professor. 

GOT TO GET MORE COFFEE KBye.

Pro Tip:

- Don’t surround yourself with negative people, especially during your PhD. And especially when you are dissertation writing. You have enough shit to deal with, you don’t need people who think they know what’s going on with what you are doing, to start laying down the judgement. 

-Surround yourself with relaxing things, like tea, nice paintings, nice people, preferably some who have been through the process themselves. 

keep the positive in and keep the negative out, people.

things lately:
- I have an academic interview this Thursday. Tenure track and all that stuff. my head hurts And I’m worried. what if this is the only one I ever get and I blow it? makes me realise how uncertain academia is. and life and shit.

- trying to make myself be positive and not think bad thoughts.

- I have a lot of PhD work to do.

- I think I’m on the wrong bus home.

Decided I”m not really going to give many tips today..or maybe not for a while. 

I’m knee deep in dissertation hell right now. I also have an interview for an academic (tenure track..) job in about a months time.

SO i’m going to use this space to just talk about the mundanity that is life right now.

I’ve been off of my TAing duties for the last week, and it feels realllly weird not to have to show up at class and give tutorials to undegrads. We’re currently on a month long break and thus there are no undergrads to be seen!

Kind of weird. This is my third such “break” since I started my PhD, and I can’t really get used to the strange silence around campus.

I’m also worried about “THE FUTURE”. And stuff.

Bring on the coffee!

I’m BACK.

OH HAI GUYS.

Oh so sorry I’ve been missing for a while. 

Life’s been…busy. I’m TAing two different courses at the same time which has essentially rendered my mind completely frazzled. Luckily, the British system has something called Trimesters and in trimester I am in now, I have only a few more weeks until I will be free of them for 4 whole weeks!!! (they have this insanely long easter break in the UK which we didn’t have in Canada when I was an undergraduate. Jealous, I am!). So my time of research will be quickly upon me. Quiet lab, happy me.

ANYWAY, I digress. I have a quick tip.

Basically it has to do with how to deal with TAing stress, in particular with students who might be driving you INSANE, and professors who may not be totally helpful when you ask for advice.

A few tips:

1. Do not fall for students’ myriad of excuses. Be firm with your deadlines and make sure they know they can’t walk all over you. If they have been legitimately ill for a while, then let the professor in charge of the course know, and they can figure out how to proceed with action.

2. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from the prof who runs the course! If you have questions about anything you think is not going well or that stresses you out, let them know. They can help things run smoothly.

3. Don’t get too friend like with the students. It might seem like a good strategy, especially if you have a particularly irritating, hard to reach group, but it is not! Be nice, but show authority! They’ll respect you for it in the end.

And that’s all I have right now. Stay tuned for more tips coming at you in the coming days!

Tip Time: Do it all! But not everything: a few tips on pacing your PhD

Gooooooooooooood Morning world. 

So, um. Yeah.

I’m pretty tired this morning, as I spent a vaste majority of the weekend doing 20 million things at once.

So much fun this PhD thing. No matter what you find yourself doing, it’s always on your mind, grabbing hold of your brain and screaming “THINK ABOUT ME”.

That’s probably a touch extreme.

But yeah.

ANYWAY. Here to chat a bit about just that. Doing a million things at once. And pacing yourself at the same time.

Not sure how many of you out there are runners (I am), but I thought the running analogy of “remember to pace yourself or you will burn out” is a bigggggggg thing with doing a PhD. 

A PhD is kind of like a marathon. I have run a few of them and until recently didn’t really understand the comparison. Well, I’m pleased to report that it is true. In a marathon you have to pace yourself otherwise you will literally fall over and die. Or just be really tired.

While a PhD may not kill you in a litteral sense, if you don’t pace yourself you could end up burning out (see previous posts as I tend to bring that up alot). 

It’s a great thing to take lots of opportunities during these years. Apply to lots of conferences, try and get yourself published, start your own research group, go to meetings, but don’t forget to research!  One can get really caught up with all the other, albeit important, stuff and then completely forget about their research. 

SO, how do you pace yourself if you are finding yourself going at top speed all the time, unable to find time for research? 

Well, one of the best ways is to use that notebook we talked about, and start writing everything down you do in the run of an “average” week. If you find that there is too much of something that is cutting  into the time you could be researching, it could be time to cut it down, or cut it out. 

-Don’t go to too many conferences, for instance. Pick a few of the important ones, but you don’t have to go to every single one, especially if the time you spend traveling is taking away from your research/dissertation. 

-If you are involved in societies and clubs, and you find yourself with one everyday of the week, it could be time to cut a few out. 

-Have a few jobs? This is a tough one. We need money to live, and if the university is not funding you or you don’t have an external funding body, a job or two is the only way to survive. If you find that your job is taking away from your research time, and say, you are a full time student, see if it is possible to go part time. This might relieve some of the pressure and let you have more time to get research done. 

The other issue with working outside the university during your PhD is that you have to switch your brain from school mode to work mode. A way to get around this is to use the notebook! keep a small one in your pocket, and write down ideas that may come to you during the work shift. During your break, or lunch, take some time to write something down. This will help keep you focused on what your research is, even if you are serving coffee to whiny pre teens…

OK, that’s enough out of me.

Have a good Monday!

Tip time: Don’t burn out!!

DEAR FRIENDS.

Another quick tip (wow! three in a week! she must be REALLY procrastinating).

It’s January. You are tired. You just had a break where you might have stayed in your PJs all day long watching movies, and now you’re finding it super hard to get back to your old work routines. Or maybe you worked really hard in the lab and now you just want to sleep for the rest of time. 

I feel your pain.

Time to get rejuvenated. And NOT burn out. 

Trust me, I’m feeling the burn out myself. In my case, I have gone nonstop from high school to undergrad to masters to PhD. I’m about to collapse. And you might be too.

So here are some tips on how to survive the winter, and how to survive a potential burn out!

1.  Slow down!

If you feel like there is a giant pack of wolves chasing you around campus (the wolves being your research, your thesis, your TAing etc), slow down and think about what is going on. Try and single out the triggers for your fight or flight syndrome. Constantly running away from whatever it is that is making you do so is going to wear your down both physically and emotionally. By assessing the situation, you might be able to put things in perspective and stop running all the time!

3. Take a mental health day

Yep. They generally work! I’ve probably mentioned this in other entries, but taking a day of doing nothing research related can be the best thing you do for yourself. Just sit around, read a book, watch a movie. Relax! Your mind will thank you.

4. Exercise, but in moderation!

In my undergrad I used to stairclimb at the gym every single day. Then I would run at night. While this seems like a great way to burn off stress, it was actually slowly killing my immune system. Over exercising  in general is not good, doing it while you’re doing something as equally intense as grad school is extremely BAD. 
Don’t over do it. When your body says stop, stop! It will only wear you out and leave you tired and incapable of  focusing on your work. Over exercising can also harm your immune system, making you more susceptible to colds and flus and other not so great things, in turn making you lose more time being sick, where you could be doing some work.  

If you are feeling REALLY stressed out, try activities like swimming, yoga, walking, light running and hiking. These can do some good in preventing the old grad school burn out.

5. Meditate!

This isn’t an easy one for lots of people. Sometimes if can make you fall asleep. 

Try this: Close your eyes. Try focusing on one word. Repeat it over in your mind. Do this for as long as you feel relaxed. Alternatively, you can think of a place you would like to be.

This really helps me whenever I need to remove myself from whatever is stressing me out.

OK! There you go. Go forth and rejuvenate!